


Behind Closed Doors

by audeamus22



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, complete for now but maybe not forever?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 11:50:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1604096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audeamus22/pseuds/audeamus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They just assumed it was him. Why wouldn’t they? The whimpers and cries, the screams for help and moans of anguish. They had no reason to believe it was anyone else but him. But it wasn’t him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind Closed Doors

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Tiếng Việt available: [Behind Closed Doors (translation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3942217) by [StuckyShipper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StuckyShipper/pseuds/StuckyShipper)



They just assumed it was him. Why wouldn’t they? The whimpers and cries, the screams for help and moans of anguish. They had no reason to believe it was anyone else but him. But it wasn’t him.

James “Bucky” Buchannan Barnes had been found a few months ago, after nearly a year of searching. He had been holed up in a cabin on the outskirts of a small town. Steve knew instantly it was Bucky they had found too, not The Winter Soldier, he had dropped his shield with one look in his best friend’s eyes and Bucky simply sagged. Allowing Steve to approach him, allowing stronger arms than he remembered to wrap around him and hold him, allowing himself to finally feel safe.

They had brought him back to the Avengers’ Tower, two floors of which were now home to all the team members. The penthouse was where all the bedrooms were and the next floor down the communal rooms; kitchen, lounge, and a couple of simple studies amongst others. The rest of the building was used as either a series of labs or offices, mostly used by Stark and Banner or the new SHIELD agents for business unknown to most.

The ex-assassin was immediately taken to one of the lower levels, a private level with extremely limited access. He was left with Steve in a clear cell where a multitude of doctors came and went, all assessing him in different ways. It took several more days before finally James was allowed out to the common areas where a room was being set up for him next door to Steve’s own suite. 

The team was hesitant at first, knowing exactly what went down on the Potomac, they didn’t trust him entirely. But slowly he integrated. During the days, he was a quiet man, dressed simply in loose fitting jeans and hoodies that covered his metal arm past the fingers. James would spend his time reading, relearning the world and simply observing. He rarely went out unless it was with Steve or sometimes Natasha, preferring to watch the world go by from the rooftop of the Avengers’ tower.

But at night, he was a different man. While the bedrooms were large and spacious, they were all on the same level and muffled sounds could often be heard between them if they weren’t careful. At night, everyone could hear what they thought was him, the cries for help and the traumatised man yelling himself awake. No one commented on it, but they all heard when doors would open and close, knowing Steve was leaving his room and entering his friends. It didn’t take long but soon the cries would soften and then cease and silence would return to the tower. In the morning, no one spoke of what was happening, ignoring the tired eyes of both men as they prepared breakfast for each other.

James’s eyes tracked Steve as he walked around the kitchen with ease, everyone else awkwardly moving between them. “Do you want anything else James?” Steve would ask him tiredly as he handed over a warm cup of coffee. Bucky had refused to respond to his old nickname, forcing Steve and everyone else to refer to the man as James only.

“Nah, I’m good,” he nodded, waiting for Steve to sit down beside him so that he could rub a hand between Steve’s shoulder blades.

Soft words were spoken between them, heads bent close, lips brushing against the shell of the other’s ear so no one else could hear the words being exchanged. And the day went on, until the cycle repeated itself that night. Tony had tried to offer Steve help by suggesting unusual therapy techniques, Bruce left Steve meditation CDs to pass on and Clint and Natasha always offered to be a sparring partner to both of them if they needed to let some tension go.

Steve simply ignored them all, knowing that while the team meant well, they had no idea. Slowly even Steve began to withdraw from the group, he became quieter and less involved in team meetings or even just catch-ups, confusing everyone.

“We have to do something, its getting worse and worse,” Natasha commented one evening, the team sitting around the TV together, deciding on a movie to watch, James and Steve not having joined them yet, leaving everyone unsure of if they actually would tonight.

“And what would you suggest we do? James doesn’t speak to anyone but Steve and now Steve keeps practically glaring at all of us whenever we try to talk to him, so why bother?” Stark griped, taking a large swallow of the amber liquid he had been nursing.

“I think we all have tried to approach Steve about how we can help, if he’s refusing our help then there’s not much we can do to help James…” Clint added with more logic and reasoning.

“I know… but we’re their friends, we have to at least try!” Natasha insisted, sitting down next to Clint as they prepared for movie night, the pouring rain outside providing them all with the perfect excuse to stay indoors.

James and Steve had been standing around the corner, accidentally overhearing the conversation regarding them.

“I… I should tell them…” Steve started, moving to make his presence known.

James lay a hand over his bicep, stopping him, “No don’t…”

“But it’s not fair to you, its not…”

“Don’t worry about it Steve, I can handle them thinking these things about me, they don’t need to know what’s going on…” he reassured, thumb stroking a soothing line up and down Steve’s arm.

Steve sighed, leaning into his best friend’s touch slightly before nodding slightly. “Okay, but only ‘cause you insist,” Steve nodded, steeling himself before coughing to let everyone know they were coming.

Conversation quickly ceased and all heads turned towards the duo. “Hey guys! Come join us, we just put on a movie!” Natasha invited with forced cheer in her voice.

“Thanks guys,” Steve nodded, sitting down on the far edge of the couch, forcing James to sit between him and Natasha. 

Clint was seated on the other side of Natasha, his arm casually thrown over her shoulder, and Tony and Bruce shared the other couch, Tony’s legs casually thrown over Banner’s lap much to the older man’s annoyance.

“Jarvis! Play the movie!” Stark ordered, the movie starting instantly as everyone tried to get comfortable even with all the tension in the room.

The sound of thunder rolled in from outside, coupled with the flashes and the sounds from what must have been an action movie on the TV causing Steve to begin to feel uneasy. His leg started jiggling up and down, fingers knitted together as he nervously plucked at the skin between his thumb and index finger. He chewed at his bottom lip, eyes darting from his best friend to the hallway that would take him back upstairs to his bedroom where he could be alone and hide away from everyone.

James looked over at his friend through the hair that hung over his face, subtly watching Steve, knowing he was struggling. Barnes slouched back, aiming for casual, resting his hand over Steve’s lap, knowing the younger man would take it when all of a sudden the loudest BOOM crashed through the tower, shaking the windows and throwing them all into darkness.

Suddenly, Steve was no longer sitting beside him.

The lights returned almost instantly, revealing the entire team in different states of distress. Clint and Barnes were seated upright and tense, Natasha had her hands curled around a weapon no one knew she was carrying, Tony was leaning into Bruce’s space sweating and Banner was breathing heavily. They had all been through various intense and insane situations, none of them coming out as unscathed as SHIELD had presented them to the public to be.

“Everyone okay?” Bruce coughed awkwardly, rubbing a soothing hand along Tony’s back.

Everyone nodded in return until; “Steve? Steve where are you?” James jumped up, realising Steve was no longer sitting beside him, causing everyone else to jump up as well.  
James was the first to spot Steve, the American hero now cowering in the corner, arms over his head, bodying struggling to become as small as possible as incomprehensible words spilled from his lips.

Natasha and Bruce tried to rush towards him, fearing that their unofficial leader had somehow been injured, but James quickly stopped them, shooting out in front of them and throwing his metal arm out to stop them from coming any closer.

“Stay back, please, don’t make it worse,” Barnes hissed, slowly approaching his best friend. “Steve? Stevie, its me… you’re okay, everything is okay…” He started, speaking softly, his flesh hand reaching out to touch the cowering blonde.

Steve startled, arm whipping around and lashing out at the unseen danger, James barely dodging the wayward limb.

“No, no, not again, please, not again, I can’t, no. Cold… so cold… Bucky? Where are you, I’m coming, don’t leave me, don’t forget me,” Steve cried, eyes clenched shut, now obvious to everyone that he was shivering uncontrollably.

“Stevie, I’m right here punk, Bucky is here,” he spoke soothingly, using his childhood nickname for the first time.

“B-Bucky?” Steve slowly opened his eyes, scanning the room almost unseeing, as he tried to regain his bearings. 

“Yeah Stevie, its Bucky, you’re safe bud, you’re safe. Can you tell me where you are?”

“Bucky… I… I thought we were trapped again, first I could feel the fire everywhere… but… but then the plane… so cold, it was so cold… I could feel the ice rushing in… I managed to move away from the controls, but I couldn’t go far. I… my shield is gone I lay down… no more energy… I can feel the darkness encroaching… I just wanted to be with you Bucky… always with you,” Steve muttered brokenly as if to himself, reliving his death, unaware of where he was or who was around him.

“Hey, hey its okay Steve, you’re okay, you’re not there,” Bucky reassured, attempting to approach Steve once more, completely oblivious to the concerned looks the other members of the Avengers were throwing at each other.

Natasha silently gripped Clint’s hand, her free hand covering her mouth as tears formed in the corners of her eyes. Never before had she seen her friend, one of the few men she trusted with her life and followed without question like this. Realisation soon hit, all the times they heard someone cry or scream at night, it hadn’t been James Barnes, but Steve.

“Oh Steve, I’m sorry we didn’t realise sooner,” she whispered, Clint, Tony and Bruce hearing her and gasping in shock when realisation hit them too.

They realised almost simultaneously that each time they had approached him with ways in which to deal with his friend, they had unwittingly been reminding the soldier of the ways he had failed and how to fix himself. That the moans and cries for help at night was not the man they thought it was, but the man they called their friend.

“Stevie, hey punk, I need you to open your eyes and look at me now, okay? It’s me, Bucky, I need you to relax, take a breath, you’re okay, you’re home and you’re safe now,” Bucky continued, ignoring the others in the room for now, knowing that they had finally pieced everything together.

“Bucky… You’re here, you’re okay…” Steve mumbled, taking a shaky breath before slowly opening his eyes.

“Yeah, we’re both safe, come here,” he reassured, wrapping his arm around Steve’s shoulders as the other man all but collapsed into him.

“Why can’t I just put it behind me, I keep reliving it, over and over, each night, every day, all I feel is the extreme heat and cold, burning my skin,” Steve sighed, finally defeated.

“I don’t know Stevie, I don’t know why you have to be put through it again and again, but you’re safe, you’re a stronger man because of this and you’ll get through this, I’ll make sure of it,” Bucky promised, pulling Steve close, his nose nestling into Steve’s hair as he gently pressed a kiss against the sweaty temple.

The two soldiers stayed hunched together for what felt like hours, waiting for Steve to calm down, completely ignoring everyone else in the room until Bucky finally started to feel Steve relax.

“Wanna move to the couch? Or we can go back to your room?” Bucky suggested, waiting for Steve’s reply before even attempting to move the obviously exhausted man.

“Couch is fine,” Steve nodded, still clinging to his best friend.

Together, the pair got up and staggered towards the couch, Bucky acutely aware of all the eyes that were on them, thankful though that someone had the decency to get all the blinds closed, shutting the storm out.

Natasha took a step forward, stopping as if waiting for permission from James to approach. With a quick nod from the other man, Natasha took a seat next to Steve on the other side.

She didn’t dare touch him yet, knowing that anything could set off another attack, and simply spoke; “we’re sorry we didn’t notice you needed help sooner Steve, but don’t think of yourself in any less of a way because of this, we all have our burdens, and with time, sometimes the load will lighten on its own, but other times, you just gotta let someone help you share the load, and we’re all here, ready to help when you’re ready to let us.”

“I just… I can’t, not yet,” Steve mumbled, not moving his head from his friend’s shoulder. He hated feeling this weak, hadn’t let himself be this vulnerable in such a long time, but he was tired. So tired of pretending.

“And you don’t have to, only when you’re ready,” Bucky reassured, running his fingers through the short blonde hair. “Come on now, its late and you’re tired, how about we go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning and maybe then we can talk to everyone, how does that sound?” he added as a suggestion, allowing Steve to make all the decisions, giving his friend all the power.

“Yeah… yeah sounds good. Sorry to ruin your night guys,” Steve sighed, finally looking up and meeting his teammates eyes for the first time, expecting to see pity and disgust but only seeing worry and love.

“Don’t you worry about that, we’ll see you in the morning, okay?” Natasha soothed.

Bucky moved to stand, untangling himself from Steve, but Steve wouldn’t allow much distance between them. Needing to reassure himself that his friend really was still there, he quickly reached out and snagged Bucky’s right hand in his, clinging to it.

“I’m here, I’m here,” Bucky simply said, pulling Steve along until they were out of sight.

The team waited until they heard the distinctive slam of the bedroom door, James’ way of letting them know they were gone, before all their bodies sagged, the tension draining from the room.

“We were blind,” Banner spoke first, running a tired hand over his face. Tony only nodded in agreement while Clint moved to sit by Natasha.

“So, what do we do now?” the sharpshooter asked, voicing what everyone was silently wondering.

“This changes nothing, he’s still our leader and our friend. Tomorrow, we treat him as normal and hopefully he will trust us enough to come to us and talk to us…” Natasha decided, “he needs help, but he has to want it.”

Upstairs, Bucky quickly shut the door, wincing with regret when Steve jumped slightly at the sound. “Tonight was a bad one, huh punk?” he said.

Steve nodded slightly, “I can’t believe I let a stupid little storm get the best of me,” he said with a sigh, sitting down on the bed, dropping his face into his hands.

“These things happen, not much we can do about it, happens to me often enough, and you know that. Come on, let’s get you changed.”

“Yeah… yeah I know that Buck, but you’ve been so much better… shit! Wait! I’ve been calling you Bucky! I’m sorry!” Steve panicked; sudden realisation dawning on him that he had been calling his friend by a triggering name.

“Hey, hey! Relax, it’s okay Stevie! Its okay, I don’t know if you’ve realised this, but I’ve also been calling you by your nicknames and nothing has happened to me… I think my worry over seeing you panic overrode my own triggers... I… I actually remember why you use to call me that all the time, and what it meant to both of us when you did…. I don’t think I’d be ready for anyone else to use that name, but with you… well, it just fits,” Bucky reassured, sitting beside his best friend and holding him close again.

“I’ve missed you Buck,” Steve sighed, defeated as he leant into his friend’s side.

“I’m here…”

“I know, and I’m thankful everyday for it, and I know you’re still trying to work everything out, but I have to be honest, I don’t know how much longer I can pretend for. I can’t keep pretending what I feel for you is only friendship. Do you remember that Buck? Do you remember us?” Steve all but begged. 

Bucky hesitated, he had regained much of what he’d lost in the last few months of being with Steve, slowly relearning who he was but also becoming a new man. But he could never figure out where to place the feelings he had for his best friend. Were they feelings they shared from so long ago or was this something new that only he felt, was it only because he felt like all he had now was Steve that he was desperate for something more.

“I… I wasn’t sure. I’ve been wanting more… but I could never figure out if we were more before or if there was just something wrong with me, wanting you in that way,” Bucky admitted.

Steve licked his lips, hesitantly moving away so that he could look the other man in the eye, a hand coming up and framing his friend’s weary face. “Tell me to stop and I will,” was all Steve said before leaning forward and pressing his lips to the other mans.

Bucky gasped, everything he was unsure about finally seeming to click into place. This right here, them, well nothing felt more right. Bucky clenched his metal hand, willing it to stay in its place while his other hand cupped the back of Steve’s head, bringing him closer and deepening the kiss. Neither man wanted it to end, fearing that maybe this was all a dream, something too good to be true, but eventually they broke apart, eyes remaining locked on one another.

“You’re here…” Steve nodded, hand drifting over towards the metal hand that was still clenched into a fist.

“I’m here,” Bucky agreed, relaxing his bionic hand and allowing Steve’s fingers to curl around his.  
For several long moments, neither man moved, both minds working in overdrive. “Come on now, let’s get some sleep,” Bucky finally said, not moving to separate their hands, simply shuffling around until they were both lying down, uncaring about the fact that they were still completely dressed.

“And you’ll still be here in the morning?” Steve asked softly, hating himself just a bit for having to, for needing the reassurance.

“Always buddy, how could you forget that I’m with ya, ‘til the end of the line,” he promised, pressing a quick kiss to Steve’s lips, a small smile playing on his face as they held each other close.

Steve only nodded in reply. He knew that this wouldn’t fix their problems, heck, he still expected to have the same night terrors tonight as he had been for most nights before, but laying here, with the lover he thought he had lost forever, Steve knew that things would get better.


End file.
